Regret

I don't want to be one of those people lying on her deathbed running through the litany of regrets. But to be honest, at this point in my life I already have such a list and I run through it upon occasion. Today is one such occasion.

I heard from an old friend who really should have been a better friend in the sense that over the years, we should have spent more time together and known each other better. Circumstances being what they were that didn't happen, and it makes me consider the other people who would have been worth knowing and worth knowing better who have entered and exited my life fleetingly. Conversely, there are people for whom I am that fleeting apparition. And I regret what we missed. How can I not?

I have much to offer a colleague, a student, a friend or a lover. Kind, compassionate, smart, but flawed like all of us, I can offer my time, my attention, my care, my love, as can they. Anyone worth his or her salt has figured out that it is connection to others, whether platonic or romantic, global or local, human or other, which matters most during our existence on earth. It is everything else in fact, that is fleeting. But sometimes we spend our lives focused on the wrong things and the wrong people. Our laser locks just slightly off center and we give a whole lot of energy and attention to not quite the right thing.

I blew a large bulk of my attention on a person who didn't warrant it. At first, I didn't know it but later, later there were signs and I should have redirected that care a lot earlier than I did. Because I  didn't, I missed out. Because I got hurt, I continued to miss out. Because I then closed off, I missed out even more.

Sometimes it takes an old friend to remind us of who we were before the regrets began to pile up. To remind us of what it was like to be in the moment, young and enthusiastic, unguarded and a little naïve. To remind us that we don't want to be lying on the deathbed regretting.